A Reflective Article by Camdyn Rushlau
This wasn’t supposed to be the article you were reading today. I was planning to write an academic article on failure in mediation and what the word “failure” truly means for mediators. I wanted it to be the article that captured everything that I love about mediation, the passion I see in the people I work alongside, and the psychological lens that I naturally see in this work. After rewriting it about 10 times and with my workload increasing day by day, the gravity of the situation became clear: I wasn’t going to come close to finishing this article. I felt like a failure, and the irony isn’t lost on me. My aspirations were built by my passion, but they were unrealistic and, quite frankly, damaging. Stepping back gave me the chance to do something we often encourage parties to do during mediation: reflect. As I did, I found myself wondering, “How would the people around me handle this stress?”
The new article idea came naturally using the newsletter theme as guidance. As a young, new mediator, I often rely on my coworkers and seasoned volunteers for advice. Their perspectives continually inform my own practice. Embracing the themes of community, relaxation, and self-care for this newsletter, I turned to the question of, “How do my coworkers practice self-care after a particularly stressful or difficult mediation?”
Over a few weeks, I approached my coworkers and caught volunteers as they came into the center, and I asked them the question above. I expected to hear about hobbies, walks, music, and vacations. I did hear some of these things, but what surprised me was that nearly every response began before the walk, before the hobby, before even going home. They first described a mindset. Experienced mediators do not simply recover from conflict; they intentionally let it go. That realization became the foundation for everything that follows.
Learning Without Carrying
Before mediators move on from a difficult case, they often choose to reflect on it. That reflection was rarely about criticizing themselves or replaying every decision they made. Instead, it was about understanding the process, identifying lessons, and remembering that the outcome ultimately belongs to the parties, not the mediators themselves.
Peg
“I think the most important thing to do after an especially stressful or difficult mediation is to debrief what went right… and especially what didn’t go as well as you had hoped and why.”
Anonymous
“I try… to think about what went well and what I did that contributed to it going well.”
“Mediation is successful even without an agreement if they had a good process.”
“It is about ceding control [to the parties].”
Kris
“I try to reflect on what I did and whether I could have done something differently for next time.”
“I always have to remember that if the parties choose not to agree, that is okay.”
Bob
“I don’t spend a lot of time saying, ‘Should I have done something different?'”
What struck me was how often experienced mediators separated growth from guilt. They reflected with honesty, but they did not define themselves by whether an agreement was reached. That distinction seems essential for sustaining this work over time.
We Don't Have to Do It Alone
Another theme emerged that I did not expect, especially because of the nature of mediations. Mediators are often seen as “solo” workers, and the collaborative effort is expected solely of the parties themselves. The reality is that mediators, before and after mediation, often come together to debrief and reconnect. There is still a layer of confidentiality that is respected in these conversations – names, places, and identifying details – but how a mediator conducts themselves in mediation is often discussed. Reflection alone can help someone identify areas for improvement, but learning is seldom done in isolation.
Ethan
“Going to talk about it with a colleague to get their perspective.”
“Not diving into another case right away.”
Peg
“You can debrief with a co-mediator, an observer…”
Shelly
“As an office, we do a good job at debriefing with each other to bring down any stress.”
Sherri
“After mediating a particularly challenging dispute, I often discuss difficult case aspects with my peers at RSCCM.”
As someone new to mediation, I find debriefing to be one of the most important tools. However, it was surprising to learn that mediators use this practical tool as a soothing tool. Confirmation can be just as important as criticism. Simply talking through a case with someone who understands the work can provide perspective, reassurance, and the reminder that we do not have to carry difficult cases alone. Asking this question reminded me that support can be as simple as talking with one another. Sometimes self-care isn’t finding the right answer – it’s realizing someone else has asked the same questions.
Returning to Ourselves
Eventually, the mediator has to leave the mediation. One person can spend considerable time and effort identifying weak points in a mediation. Yet, that same amount of intentional effort can also be spent walking away. This is not about escaping or ignoring a learning lesson, as the reflection covers that. Rather, this is about listening to oneself and pausing.
Yarden
“One thing that works for me is creating space to process and reset.”
“Busyness can sometimes prevent intentionality, and resetting is an intentional act.”
Sherri
“My spouse and I typically enjoy dining out… while focusing our conversation on anything but mediation.”
Shelly
“I go home and have creative space.”
Peg
“Sometimes I listen to music, sit in the sun and read, go for a leisurely drive… or work on a craft project.”
Pattie
“When I am wound up, I’ll write.”
Rob
” I just go home and relax.”
Although everyone’s routines looked different, they all shared something in common: they were intentional. Whether through writing, spending time outdoors, creative hobbies, music, or simply enjoying time with loved ones, each mediator described making space to become themselves again before stepping back into someone else’s conflict.
Conclusion
When I began this project, I thought I was collecting self-care advice. Instead, I collected wisdom. Much of what was shared with me isn’t something that you’ll find neatly organized in a training manual or handbook. It comes from experience earned through difficult conversations, reflection, and time. It surprised me that, although this was neither learned nor discussed, everyone found similar themes amid their practical differences. Also, it surprised me that no one said anything close to, “just push through it” or “ignore it.” Every experienced mediator talked about purposeful reflection, acknowledging the frustration, and then intentionally letting it go. Their methods were different, but their mindset was remarkably similar. Looking back, perhaps I did end up writing about failure after all. I learned that failure in mediation – and in life – isn’t found in moments of stress or imperfect outcomes. It lies in refusing to reflect, refusing to learn, or believing that we have to carry our burdens alone.
If there is one thing I hope readers take away from these conversations, it is this: ask the people around you if they care for themselves. Whether you work in conflict resolution or another demanding profession, those conversations often remind us that we are not facing challenges alone. In a season centered on relaxation, reflection, and reconnection, perhaps one of the greatest acts of self-care is simply making space to learn from one another.
Thank you to my amazing coworkers,
Pattie Schaefer, Rob Schafer, Ethan Campbell, Yarden Blumstein, Shelly Zamora
Thank you to our wonderful volunteers,
Paula Zera, Peg MacDougal, Bob Proctor, Sherri DeMarco, Kris Arrnet